Will Climate Change Shrink Man’s Manhood, Too?

The genitals of polar bears in east Greenland were found to be shrinking due to industrial pollutants. Photo courtesy of NBC news.

This may be old news. However, when I stumbled upon this old article, it surely caught my interest. It made me think: “Will climate change shrink man’s manhood, too?” LOL

“Maybe” I suppose is the best answer I can give right now … What we do know is that there is a strong correlation between industrial pollutants and shrinking polar bear dongs.

Now polar bears are not exactly “close relatives”, but they are mammals, and many of our physiological processes are identical … I bet the experiment done on humans would yield something similar (but think of those poor guys who volunteer for this study). Of course this is me crossing the causation-correlation line a bit …

Sonne and his colleagues looked at formaldehyde-preserved genitals from 55 male and 44 female east Greenland polar bears, collected from 1999 to 2002 by about 30 polar bear subsistence hunters regulated by the Greenland government.

The adult polar bear testicles the researchers examined were on average roughly three inches across and 1.8 ounces in weight, although they could dramatically enlarge during the height of sexual activity from January to July. Their bacula, or penis bones, were on average nearly seven inches long.

The scientists found the higher the level of organohalogens*** in polar bear, the smaller testicle and baculum size and weight likely were. Ovary size and weight decreased as organohalogen levels rose as well.

Maybe even worse, the authors suspect that,

In fact, all marine mammals could get affected by these pollutants, “especially the Arctic fox, killer whale and pilot whales,”

But who cares anyway? The problem is this, that while human males use their reproductive organ for “pleasuring” females, most other mammals use them to stimulate females. Only a properly stimulated female will consent to mate.

Basically, you might have the situation where there are receptive females that can’t find suitable mates. So add this problem to the already very slow rate of reproduction characteristic to polar bears, the receding polar ice sheet, lack of prey items, and active hunting and you have a species that is in BIG trouble. Related read: Evolution of men as a result of dating tips from the Tao of Badass

So what does this mean for Homo sapiens? Well for me, it means the loss of one of the most beautiful animals there is. Not to mention a top predator, indicator of ecosystem health, etc. Just imagine how food webs, and general ecosystem function will change … It’s not likely to be pretty … Now I don’t eat marine mammal meat, but what about all the folks that depend on these mammals for sustenance.

Watch out guys, they’re coming to cut off you man parts … Those poor guys, they first have to see the animals die off, then endure ecosystem change, they can’t eat the stuff they are used to (unless they’re OK with the risk of shrinking penis syndrome). Related read: Do wide-hipped women really have more fun?

Would you be concerned if your genitalia was shrinking as a result of global warming? It’s truly a strange correlation but seriously, who cares. A little blue pill may certainly be helpful when the need arises, right?

Any thoughts on this? Oh come on, I’m sure you have something to say! 🙂

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4 thoughts on “Will Climate Change Shrink Man’s Manhood, Too?

  1. Oh my! Those poor polar bears and it’s all because of our negligence of the environment. Now I understand why a vice prez is desperately trying to save the earth!


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